Countdown to Hell...

Less than two weeks till SATs...

I'm not ready, nor do I want to be ready. Had the "college talk" with my gf again, and it was so fucking horrible. Bottom line is: I want to go back to China for university, and she never wants to set foot in Beijing because she has this weird stereotype that everyone in Beijing is arrogant and aloof, because we're from the capital. I do admit that we're arrogant, but that makes us who we are, we grew up with bureaucracy and communism, at the centre of political propaganda. True, there are many benefits to being Bejing-ese in China, easier entrance into universities, more readily available resources, priority on bank loans, priorities in job applications and a lot of other things, but we're not arrogant and heartless. I think Beijing is one of the "warmest" cities in China, the culture and the people are truly amazing, and the atmosphere is so different and heartwarming.

At the end of the conversation she said "honey, you never know what will happen in 1.5 years, it's too early to think about where you want to go." (Read: we're going to break up in 1.5 years). I was definitely hurt, because over the past 5 (almost 6) years I've known her, I've become quite attached to her. I always thought I was really independant, never asking for anything from anyone. Even when I was with Ming, I never asked him for anything and never spent his money. I am financially independant, from both my parents and my significant other. I'm really proud of it, but at the same time, I surround my life and life decisions around my significant other and friends, which has its pros and cons. This time, I really can't make a decision. If I go back to China for university, I probably won't see my gf more than once a year, and separation will definitely take its toll on our relationship. If I don't go back to China, I'll probably regret it for life, because I don't belong to North America. Flawless English and a Canadian passport do not make me Canadian. I'm Chinese, and I'll always be. There is only one home, and that's China.

My gf and I used to say we wish we were dumber, then we'd be really happy going off to UT or UBC or something together. But we're not satisfied with being good, we want our own lives, and we want excellent lives, we want our OWN lives. We're not happy with going to the Ivy Leagues because our parents told us so, if we go, it's because we want to go. If we don't go, it's because it's not for us. Now, my gf wants to go to the Ivy Leagues and I don't. It's hard not to think that she'll totally ditch me for the Ivys, like she ditched me for IB.

It hurts alot, being in this relationship. It's something I chose, and I won't let go. It took me more than 4 years to be able to face the fact that I'm bisexual and to come face to face with the prospect that I love her. Now I know I love her, therefore I won't let go.

Before this gets really sappy and shit, I'll post something beauty-related: I'm going to get myself a primer, any recommendations other than MAC Prep & Prime? I'm leaning towards the The Face Shop Make-Up Base, because I read about it on many Chinese forums and it seems to be really good for Asian skin. Also, it's amazingly cheap in China, only 45RMB, which is about $7 CDN... which is AMAZINGLY CHEAP. It also has different colour tones for different skin type and undertones. Sounds good, no?

Before I forget, an FOTN from last Thursday, when I went to see my lit teacher's play. My first stab at smoky eyes. I wasn't completely happy with it, but couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. So if any beauty-savvy ladies can offer me some advice, it'll be much appreciated.